End?

My brain seems to have two neurological flaws in it! Unfortunately, neither seems to be anything that Doctors know how to fix (yet). Michael J Fox ended his career as a very successful actor due to unexpected and very severe bodily tremors. With all his fame and money, even he cannot get anyone to fix his brain about that! He DID have an operation done that "disconnected" some parts of his brain to reduce the noticeable tremors, but that does not actually fix anything, as no one yet understands the causes or exactly how they might be treated. We tend to neglect to ever think about the fact that such tremors gradually increase in amplitude and in where they occur in the body, and when they start occurring where things like the heart are involved, not much else then matters. It does NOT seem that I am very near that status yet, although no one ever actually knows.

I happen to have a SECOND neurological flaw in my brain, apparently even more rare than the other, and which no one seems to have even ever done any research on (at least according to a serious effort on my part to try to find it!) It appears to be more closely related to how the process of a stroke occurs, but seemingly only in some parts of the brain! In any case, I have experienced rare episodes of this for nearly ten years (a few incidents in each year). Of course, I have tried to document each episode as a good scientist should, in order to try to apply Statistical Analysis to the data to see if there are any patterns to when such episodes occur. Just in case that sunny days or rainy days or early morning or eating spaghetti or going for a walk or a thousand other things might bring them on.

I have never yet found any such Statistical patterns.

But it seems amazing that I survived two days early in February 2010! Where I had come to expect an episode every two or three months, during those two days, I experienced well over a hundred episodes (IN JUST THOSE TWO DAYS)! Since then, the number of episodes had lowered down to around half a dozen each day, but that is still a LOT. I am not particularly optimistic about this matter.

There have been some periods of really bad days, with one in October even exceeding the February experiences pretty easily.

Before you decide to attack me regarding getting care or whatever, I see the need to express two personal viewpoints.

1. Given that even the world's foremost doctors do not seem to be aware in the slightest regarding this ailment, I really have NO interest in being shuttled back and forth between assorted Doctors who each are in a hurry to treat as many other patients as possible. Modern Doctors seem to have no interest at all in actually LEARNING ALL of a patient's symptoms, but instead only seem to listen for certain key words where they can then express their instantaneous Diagnosis. Given that I have a malady that would certainly require hours of the Doctor's time to attempt to adequately analyze, I can't say that I see any appeal in having such a Doctor (or Specialist) make a snap decision to open up my skull and experiment around! (Doctors today receive their money NOT based on quality of care given or on effects, but instead completely on QUANTITY of services rendered. So if a Doctor could spend five seconds on each Patient, just long enough to write out a prescription that would please the Patient, that would be ideal for the Doctor today. Whether that individual patient gets better or worse, or comes back or not, or dies or not, will probably never be known by the Doctor! He/she has many hundreds of other Patients to parse brief treatments out to.)

   The single rule I have regarding this issue is that such a Doctor would have to CONVINCE ME that he/she had sufficient data and logic where a good case for attempting such a speculative procedure might make sense. NOT that I insisted on success, only that it was clear to me that the Doctor involved had sufficient expertise and knowledge and experience where such a choice made LOGICAL sense. Given that I am extremely analytical and that I deeply research many subjects (as witnessed by the assorted web-pages), when a Doctor tries to snow me with guesses that he thinks sound good, it generally does not work, as I am RARELY impressed! And once I realize that a Doctor who proposed to do such a procedure was just willing to lie to me or at least try to somewhat deceive me, NOT!

2. My other overriding attitude regarding all of this is related to my very deep Christian beliefs. As a Christian Pastor of a small Church, and of the Editor of the BELIEVE web-site, where around 51 million hits were registered during 2009, I tend to wonder if there are practical limits on what the Lord expects of each of us! It seems to me that making sure that around 21,000 presentations of religious subjects, most of which contain several to dozens of scholarly texts, are reliably available to the people of the world, might be a reasonable chore for a lifetime! And then there are the assortment of other things, like the JUCA woodstoves that have kept around 100,000 Americans warm in the coldest of winters, the solar, wind, and all the other energy related presentations. And many dozen which are merely informational, providing accurate and true information for the public, where I would witness companies deceiving people in order to sell products and make billions of dollars. And my efforts regarding dealing with childhood Obesity (and adult obesity, too) and rape prevention, and trying to plan for future world calamities like insufficient safe water supplies and rising sea levels and all the rest. I guess I am wondering if the Lord might have concluded that I have done sufficient chores!

   (Mentioning these items is NOT meant to be any sales promotion to the Lord or to any reader! It just seemed necessary to briefly mention them as possible indication that my chores here are completed!)

   Of course, I hope that He is Pleased with my efforts, and I have always kept that thought of how high His Standards must be, paramount, in all my various efforts, both in BELIEVE and in the other subject areas. But speculate that He is moderately satisfied with the amount and the quality of my efforts. In that event, He might make a decision that I am not really needed here any more! Now, think about that! IF He makes that decision any time soon, my beliefs cause me to be hopeful that I might then promptly be in His Presence, and forever! I have to say that possibility sounds quite attractive!

   However, this matter is NOT MY choice but His! Since He has certainly provided me with an amazing assortment of subjects to study in the past, I am fully aware that He may still have one or more additional chores for me yet here now. Since I have absolutely no way of knowing whether He has specified any exact date, I also have no way of knowing if such a date would be soon or if I was meant to live to 130!

People criticize me in saying that I have a responsibility to the Earth and its people to struggle at all costs to extend my life. However, I spent the last few months of 2007 and the entire years of 2008 and 2009 in working my tail off to try to complete all projects which were still incomplete. By the end of 2009, I felt pretty comfortable that I had gotten all the hundreds of presentations and projects to a form that seemed done to me. So, actually, when I experienced those two REALLY bad days at the start of February 2010, I thought my time might have been complete. I was NOT apprehensive at all, and instead I think I smiled a good deal, in thinking of possibly soon having an opportunity to have a direct conversation with the Lord!

The fact that I somehow made it through those days and the days following, and am still kicking as I type this text, the only conclusion I can now come to is that He might still have one or more chores for me to do for Him. But this all seems to imply that my time may be very short (here), in a logical analysis. And so, if responses to e-mails stop arriving, this discussion might explain the reason!

Analytically, there could be other possibilities. I might get kidnapped and taken to a beach in Tahiti where e-mail does not work! Or who knows what other possibilities! All I know is that I have absolute Trust in the Lord, and that I know that He Knows what He is doing (even though none of us people know!) So I hope I will satisfy Him, WHENEVER my time here is up.

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C Johnson, Theoretical Physicist, Physics Degree from Univ of Chicago